No "Roots"

I came to Vietnam to find my roots, the story of where I came from. At the beginning of this journey, I felt a connection to this place. There was an intertwining of stories, mine and that of the people here. But after many years, I haven't found my roots here, and now it feels like the longer I stay the more I feel I have no special bond with Vietnam beyond what I invent in my own mind. The fact that I look Vietnamese and this is the birthplace of my parents is all an illusion, it has no relevance if I give it none. It plays no real role in my identity because the notions that do so, like culture and history, are all fluid and ever-changing. They are dictated by governments and history professors and authority figures. They are dictated by people, just people, who think they own my identity and can tell me who I am or where my roots lie. But now I feel I can just as easily find a purpose among an "alien" people in some remote corner of the world, and no one is to say I don't belong. Who's to argue with what I actually feel?

How did this happen, when a few years ago I felt so proud of my Vietnamese heritage? When I "re-discovered" Vietnam, I felt such a profound sense of duty to the future of this place. I felt like an active member with a say. I felt like there were "non-members," people from outside the culture who were ignorant wanderers or exploiters. I felt a need to "defend" this culture and be involved in whatever direction it was heading. Now I know I was the ignorant one, and that the "right" to be engaged in Vietnam's past and future is not real. It isn't some exclusive club. Perhaps the biggest influence on this paradigm shift was meeting and befriending expats from all over the world, who have every right to belong and feel at home here. They are proof that borders are disappearing and whole cultures are merging. These things are real.

But staying here all this time wasn't for nothing. In a way, I did find my "roots." They are roots not defined by borders, skin color, language, culture, or history. They lie simply with the individual people I love and care about, and these people are as diverse and scattered as all the countries and languages on this planet. I am tied to them, regardless of where ever we are in space and time, and this fulfills me more than any concept of "roots."